Happiest Toddler on the Block

A few weeks ago Baby M's frequent tantrums had me at the end of my rope so I decided to check out Harvey Karp's book, The Happiest Toddler on the Block: How to Eliminate Tantrums and Raise a Patient, Respectful, and Cooperative One- to Four-Year-Old. I just finished reading it and although I don't agree with all of the advice in the book , there are enough helpful tips to make it worthwhile. One of Karp's suggestions helped me get Baby M into my gym's Kids Club so that I could take a yoga class and that hour alone was well worth the time I spent reading the book.

The book is tactical in nature and a quick, although repetitive read. It's broken into 3 sections. In the first section Karp tells us that toddlers are like "cavemen"-- not fully developed, lacking verbal skills and ruled by their emotions. Yeah, I didn't need a book to tell me that. The second section explains Karp's technique for communicating with toddlers using the "Fast Food Rule (FFR)" and "Toddlerese". The last section gives examples of what you can do to encourage good behavior, discourage not so good behavior and stop very bad or dangerous behavior.

First, what I liked about the book: I liked that he reminds us to acknowledge and respect our child's feelings, even in the midst of a tantrum. The FFR basically means that you repeat what your child is feeling, mirroring his emotions, before you communicate what you want him to do. (Just like the guy at McDonald's repeats your order back before he tells you to drive forward and pay him $5.50). This is a technique that I learned back when I was a peer counselor in high school AND college, so you think it would have stuck with me, but I never thought to try it with Baby M. Karp recommends doing the FFR in "Toddlerese" which is speaking in simple, repetitive phrases that toddlers understand even when upset. So you might say to your agitated child "Ball, ball, you want the ball!" before saying "but we have to share with Sam right now." I'm happy to report that the FFR + Toddlerese has been very effective in reducing Baby M's tantrums. Sometimes the tantrum starts anew when I get to the "but", but more than half of the time I'm able to quell the blow up. I also liked his suggestions to "play the boob" (e.g. try to put Baby M's shoes on his hands and allow him to show me the right way to do it), make up stories for teaching good behavior, and to use compromises. Baby M is really into "making deals" right now and we regularly bargain down reading "all the books" to reading two books. Yes, these techniques were already in my bag of tricks, but Karp's book reminded me to dust them off and now I'm using them more frequently.

What I didn't like was Karp's recommendation to excessively praise toddlers as a way of encouraging good behavior. If you follow parenting news, you've probably heard the debate about whether or not we should praise our kids at all, inspired by Alfie Kohn's book and article in the New York Times. I do tend to feel that too much praise is detrimental, but even if I didn't, I think I would balk at Karp's suggestion of saying "good stopping" to a child who had finally stopped pounding the table. Also, as I've written before, I don't agree with time-outs and I don't like the way Karp often framed encounters with our children in terms of a winner and a loser. And some of the tips just aren't practical. I cannot growl at my child, no matter how annoying he is being. In fact in desperation, I did try Karp's "Clap-Growl" to prevent Baby M from dumping a bowl of peas on the floor. My husband looked at me like I was insane, I couldn't keep a straight face and the peas ended up everywhere. But the most annoying thing about the book? Karp's use of baby-talk in his examples. Milky? Crunchies? Mister Towel? Yikes! If I ever start talking like that please whack me in the head.

So, with this book, like most parenting books I read, I'll take what works for us and forget about the rest.

Caveman Baby

So Baby M is now almost 16 months old and still hasn't said a word. No "mama" or "dada", not "ball" , not even that old todler standby "no". Oh sure he makes sounds that are technically words but they are never applied consistently to the appropriate people or objects. I hear a lot of "yeah yeah yeah"'s and some "dada"'s, "yoyo"s, etc. There was a day I thought he had mastered "socks" but then it disappeared never to return.

It's quite clear that Baby M understands much of what we say. He will shake his head for yes or no, can follow simple commands like "bring me the ball" and even somewhat demeaning commands like "shake your booty." The other day while washing dishes in attempt to free my right leg from his vice-like grip I asked him to bring me a book about trucks. He promptly released my leg walked into his bedroom and returned a few moments later with the book Big Trucks. So he definitely understands language he just doesn't seem to be too interested in producing language. I guess he figures his combination of grunting, pointing, whining and tantrum throwing is working for him, so why change it? However, this mode of communication is not working for me, in fact every day it grates on my nerves just a little bit more. Especially now that he has started pointing in two directions at once and then bursting into tears when I stare back at him in confusion.

So I am redoubling my efforts to get Baby M to speak. Now, instead of handing over whatever Baby M points at, I try to get him to say something, anything, before giving him what he wants. It usually goes something like

Baby M: uunh! (points at rice on my plate)
Me: Oh you want rice? Say rice.
Baby M: mag-dah
Me: (feeds him rice)

Not terribly promising, but we'll keep trying. I also read that getting your baby to mimic silly sounds is a good way to start him on the road to language acquisition. So we started playing a game where Baby M hits my head and I say "Dong!" in a funny voice. Pretty soon he was joining in with the "Dong!" having a grand time and I felt very encouraged. But after a day he stopped making the noise and now he just hits me on the head. So I am living with a midget who grunts, throws food everywhere and whacks me on the head for fun. Whoever said toddlers are like little cavemen may have have been on to something.