Yesterday I had my 3rd miscarriage. Out of 4 pregnancies, we've ended up with 1 baby. A baby I am eternally grateful for and that I feel very lucky to have, but nevertheless we've got a batting average of 25%. Not so hot. Aside from mourning this pregnancy, which involved a significant amount of heartache despite my efforts not to get too attached to it, I've also been questioning how many times I am willing to go through this. It's not like getting pregnant in the first place is easy for us. Conception involves daily temperature readings, precision timing, sperm friendly lubricants
and the occasional pharmaceutical. For us the whole process of getting pregnant and then making it through the first 4 months is stressful, emotional and not nearly as much fun as it should be. I jealously watch those couples who get pregnant easily and then happily begin decorating the nursery, never questioning that in 9 months they will be holding a screaming bundle of joy.Increasingly, or for today at least, the idea of "one and done", is sounding more and more appealing. I can stop piling up outgrown ExerSaucers
and bassinets in the garage. Travel, dinners out, concerts are all much more manageable with only one child. Our house is perfectly adequate for 1 child, two and we'd probably need to move. Our sleeping and eating schedules are finally starting to even out. And committing to one child would mean I could toss my copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility
, my binder full of fertility charts and Clomid prescriptions.People often tell me to relax, stop worrying, just see what happens. And as much as I say we'll play it by ear, the possibility that we'll have another child is always in the back of mind. I keep my eye on real estate listings, I apply to preschools with the expectation that I may have an infant to look after. I keep telling my husband that trip to India needs to be put off a few more years. Two children is written into our financial plan.
Still, I would like Baby M to have a sibling. I think he'd make a great big brother. I think that there is room in our family for one more. But at the same time, everyone has a limit. There is only so much heartache you can take. I know for some people their drive for a child, or a second child, is so strong that they will endure years of fertility treatments and failed pregnancies. I just don't think that kind of dedication is in my constitution. At some point, I will decide I am done. How will I decide? I just don't know.
