Welcome Baby S!

I based my birth plans for Baby S on my experience with Baby M.  Yes, I'd heard that second babies come faster, that every pregnancy is different, blah, blah, blah.  My pregnancy with S had been very similar to my previous pregnancies and I had no reason to doubt that labor would follow the same general path, just maybe a little faster.  Well, it was a lot faster and quite different.  With Baby M my contractions started mildly, ramped up over the next 8 hours and then I spent another 8 hours in the hospital before he was born.  So 16 hours total.  With Baby S it was less than 5 hours from start to finish.

My water broke late Sunday night.  This caught me off guard, partially because the first time around my water didn't break until I was already well into labor, but mainly because it was 3 days before my due date. I know 3 days is not terribly early, but Baby M had been a week overdue and I figured Baby S would be late too.  At my last OB appointment I was only 1 cm dilated and I thought I had at least another week to wait.  Consequently, I had planned a full day of tasks for Monday -- laundry, grocery shopping, meal prep and packing my hospital bag.

So now we were suddenly in the Hollywood  movie birth scenario.  I was throwing clothes in my hospital bag, calling relatives to come over at one in the morning and trying to convince my husband that yes, we actually did need to go to the hospital.  Right now.

I had been toying with the idea of having an unmedicated birth.  With Baby M I had the epidural and overall it was a positive experience,  but I'd also wondered what natural birth was like.  Was it really as empowering or,  heaven-forbid, orgasmic as all those books said it would be?  (I'd read Naomi Wolf's Misconceptions, Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and watched The Business of Being Born, my head was full of natural birthing propaganda).  On the way to the hospital, however, I realized that you don't really play around with natural birth.  You either need to be committed or not.  And I had never really fully committed.  I still felt flustered over the whole bag situation, my contractions were getting stronger and I forgot all about my visualization techniques.  This is silly, I thought.  I will just get the epidural.

When we got to the hospital it was 2am and I was 5cm.  The nurse checked me in, I got changed and situated in my room and I asked for the epidural.  At this point the contractions were getting quite strong and were right on top of each other.  Most of my focus was just on getting through them.  The nurse checked me again and I was 9cm.  Do you still want the epidural, she asked. Um, yes.  But by the time the anesthesiologist was ready my OB was there saying it was time to push.  So I ended up with an unmedicated birth after all.  I have to say, it was definitely not orgasmic and by the end I did not feel strong and empowered.  I just felt tired.  And that was after only 2 hours of hard labor, I can't imagine what it must be like for the women whose labors last for hours on end.  On the upside, my recovery has been so much easier and I do think that is in part because I did not have the epidural.  And, as my husband likes to point out, I now have bragging rights.

So Baby S came out at a healthy 8 pounds 2 ounces with all 9 on his Apgars.  We struggled a bit with jaundice and the poor little guy had daily heel pricks for a while, but now he is nice and pink.  He sleeps a lot and cries very little (the exact opposite of Baby M at this age).  Baby M is adjusting well and has been very helpful.  We'll see how we fare once my mother goes home and friends stop bringing us dinner, but for now we are all feeling good.

Siblings Without Rivalry

So I decided I'd better get in one book on siblings before baby #2 comes along and Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish came highly recommended despite being written 23 years ago.  I liked the book and thought it was helpful, but it definitely read like something written decades ago, and not just because of the dated cover design and references to the library card catalog.  In case you missed it, I read a lot of parenting books, and I generally try to read current books-- NutureShock, SuperBaby, The Parents We Mean to Be, Unconditional Parenting, etc.  These books were all written in the last few years and tend to be footnoted extensively with references to scientific journals, experiments and additional resources.  And this scientific rigor has never bothered me; I like the fact that the advice being doled out has been tested and that there is more than just some "expert's"opinion or personal experience backing it up.

Siblings Without Rivalry is structured completely differently from most of the books I read.  It's based on a 6 week workshop on sibling rivalry and includes the conversations, stories and handouts from these workshops.  We hear about the participants' struggles with their children, their own sibling relationships and even tearful confessions of what they wished their parents had done differently. At times it is very much like sitting in on someone else's group therapy session from 1987 when latch-key kids were the norm, gender stereotypes were readily accepted and promoting self-esteem was paramount.

I know this does not sound promising, but I actually found the structure quite refreshing.  Instead of reading about carefully controlled experiments I was reading about real conflicts between real siblings.  We don't just read about what the research says you should do, we actually get to see how imperfect, tired, angry parents apply the techniques and hear about how they work or how they don't.  And, perhaps most encouraging, we get to see parents head down a wrong path, change their approach mid-conflict and still end up with a mostly positive result.  In so many of the books I read the author provides so much evidence for a particular approach that I start to feel doing anything differently will doom my child to a life of sleeplessness or low IQ or anxiety, etc. etc.

Sure, some of the illustrations in the book are a little hokey and the first chapter, which asks us to explore our child's feelings about a new sibling by having us imagine our husband bringing home a new wife, was more amusing than anything else, but I do feel that I gained valuable information on how to help Baby M deal with a younger sibling.  (And I did have to laugh when the authors asked me to write down my reaction to my husband giving the new wife one of my old sweaters and saying "you've put on a little weight, your clothes are too tight on you and they'll fit her perfectly.")   Some key points from the book:

1. Acknowledge each child's feelings about their sibling, even if they are negative
2. Do not compare the children to each other
3. Do not put children in "roles", even if both roles seem positive (e.g. the smart one and the funny one)
4. Instead of focussing on giving kids equal parts, try to give each child what they need when they need it
5. Intervene in fights when necessary, but try to put the onus for solving the problem on the kids.

These suggestions may sound obvious, but I can see how easy it would be to forget about them in the heat of the moment.  If my boys were fighting about the number of pancakes on their plates I can absolutely see myself snapping "You both have four pancakes" instead of asking if they were still hungry.  It's straight-forward examples like this one that make the tips in this book easy to remember and hopefully easy to implement.

The Making of a Picky Eater

We really hoped Baby M would not be a picky eater.  We did all the things the books say you should do-- we introduced veggies before fruit, my husband and I continued to eat a variety of foods and rarely prepared special meals for Baby M, we had Baby M help us cook, we grew and ate vegetables out of our garden.  But try as we might, Baby M seems to be getting pickier by the day.

One day he refused to eat pasta with sauce on it.  On another he stopped eating his apple skins.  Over the past few months he has declared that he no longer likes oatmeal, hummus, bananas, blueberries, melons, beans, carrots or celery.  I continue to serve these foods and he refuses to touch anything on his plate until I remove them.  This, coupled with the fact that our family has adopted a mostly vegetarian diet over the past year, means that some nights all he eats is rice.  The only vegetable he eats consistently is broccoli, unless, of course, you count ketchup.

So when a friend gave me a copy of Jessica Seinfeld's Deceptively Delicious, I grudgingly started flipping through it.  I have to admit, back when Baby M was still on a milk diet I wrote a somewhat snarky post about this book.  I assumed getting your child to eat a variety of food was just a matter of offering it repeatedly in an upbeat matter.  Little did I know I would soon be stealthily pureeing beets and butternut squash in an effort to get some veggies into my stubborn stubborn child.

We've tried a fair number of the recipes from the book and they've been hit or miss.  Given the fact that we don't eat meat and Baby M refuses to eat pasta with sauce (including red sauce, cheese sauce, cream sauce and any other type of "sauce" you can think of) the number of recipes that work for us is somewhat limited.  He loved the "Pink Pancakes" (with beets) and will happily eat muffins with any puree I happen to throw in.  He flat out refused the scrambled eggs with cauliflower puree and honestly, I can't blame him.  They tasted like I scrambled a carton of 6 month old eggs.  He also did not go for the butternut squash-grilled cheese, although my husband and I actually prefer it to the standard version, so I think we're going to give that one a few more tries.

The thing is, using a half of cup of veggies in a dozen muffins means a 3 year old would have to eat 24 muffins to get his daily serving of vegetables.  Baby M would probably eat muffins all day long if I let him, but I really don't think that's a good idea either.  Sure some vegetables hidden in a muffin are still better than nothing, but I really wish I didn't have to be so darn sneaky.

The 5 Stages of Potty Training Regression

So, in my last post I noted that Baby M was no longer having daytime accidents.  We've had a bit of a regression since then.  He is now pooping his pants once or twice a day.  He still happily pees in the potty and generally wakes up dry, but he has no interest in getting his poops into the potty.  He will run behind the table where I can't reach him and insist he's not pooping while I try to convince him to come with me to the bathroom.  He poops his pants at the park, at school, at home, whenever he gets the urge. Oddly, he abhors wet underpants but doesn't seem to mind having poop in his pants at all and will go on about his business until I drag him kicking and screaming into the bathroom.

This has been going on for a little over a week and I have passed through all 5 stages of potty training regression.

Denial - Initially I convinced myself it was just a one off accident or a bad day or a few bad days...

Anger - I am not proud to admit that I yelled.  I waved poopy underpants in his face.  I told him he couldn't wear his favorite pirate underpants because they were covered in f@#*-ing poop.  Then I felt like the worst mother in the world, cried and apologized.  It was not my finest moment.  In fact, it was probably my worst parenting moment ever.

Bargaining - I brought the sticker charts back out, I promised trips to Travel Town, as the days wore on I threatened to take away his 30 minutes of TV time (which I did but it was harder on me than him and didn't make a difference anyway).

Depression - I looked back at my schizophrenic behavior over the past week, at the way I did all the things I said I wouldn't do, the things every book and web site tells you not to do, and wondered why the heck I was having another child when I couldn't even manage a week of poopy underpants without a major freak out.  I also ate a lot of ice cream.

Acceptance - I bought a tub of Oxiclean and a bucket for soaking poopy clothes. I keep my diaper bag stocked with plastic bags.  I realize there is no way I can force Baby M to poop in the potty. If I can't fight it, I might as well prepare for it.  I now simply praise him for using the toilet, remind him that poop goes in the potty and try to keep everything clean with as little drama as possible.  At some point he will decide pooping in his pants is not worth the trouble of getting cleaned up.

I don't know what, if anything, brought on the regression.  Maybe the novelty of the potty wore off.  Maybe Baby M saw how upset all the poop was making me and liked getting a response.  Maybe it's a delayed reaction to starting preschool or an advanced reaction to the impending birth of his brother.  Hopefully my new Zen attitude will encourage him to go back to the potty.  If not, you should seriously consider investing in Oxiclean, because at 2 poops a day, we're going through a lot of that stuff.

3 Day Potty Training - Kinda

So I've been meaning to write a post about potty training Baby M.  About 3 weeks ago I finally took plunge and committed to getting him potty trained.  A friend of a friend had success with Lora Jensen's 3-day Potty Training Method so we decided to give it a try.  I should note that the friend tried the method a week later without much success, but by that point I had already bought the e-book, blocked out the 3 days on our calendar and stocked up on underpants so we decided to go for it.  It's probably also worth mentioning that we had tried a more "child-directed" version of potty training a few months prior.  We made the potty available, bought cool underwear and encouraged Baby M to wear them for a few hours on the weekends.  That process ended up with Baby M ripping off his underpants, attempting to diaper himself and more or less stating that the potty was not for him.  After taking a few months off, I decided it was time to try something a little more "parent-directed."

The general idea  of the 3-day method is that you put your child in underpants 24 hours a day, ask him to tell you when he needs to use the potty and rush him to the toilet the minute he starts to go in his pants.  This pretty much requires you to be next to your child around the clock.  If he has an accident you don't reprimand or make a big deal about it, but you do reward any bit of success with praise, stickers and/or prizes.  (I know this completely contradicts my whole Unconditional Parenting philosophy which eschews rewards as well as punishments, but I decided 3 days of praise and rewards wouldn't scar Baby M for life.  Plus, I really wanted him out of diapers before Baby #2 came along.)

I knew staying home for 3 days straight was going to be difficult for us-- Baby M and I go out at least once and usually twice a day.  We have classes, play dates, parks to visit, shopping etc.  So I prepared.  I stocked up on food, planned art and cooking projects, and recorded new TV shows for him to watch.  I thought I had at least 2 days worth of activities planned.  Well, four hours into Day One I was out of activities.  Those first three days were rough.  Baby M went through 8 pairs of underpants a day.  He begged to go to the park.  He said he couldn't figure out how to poop sitting down (his preferred method was standing).  Even though he had been waking up dry for weeks he started wetting the bed, sometimes twice a night.  And even if he didn't wet the bed he would wake up crying hysterically at 4am and want to be carried around the house like a newborn.  

At the end of the 3 days, though he had made progress, I would not claim to anyone that Baby M was potty trained.  The number of accidents was way down but he hadn't pooped for 2 days, and his sleep was still a mess.   So I wrote the Lora Jensen helpdesk for advice.  The e-book purchase includes free online mentoring and here is where the $24 I spent on a 50 page e-book really felt worth it.  I received a prompt, encouraging response with some explicit techniques to deal with the problems we were having.  Some of them were a little odd (I could not bring myself to tell Baby M that Mommy's poops were lonely in the toilet and needed some company) but they were effective.  By Day 7 there were no more daytime accidents and now, 3 weeks later, we only have the occasional nighttime accident.  Baby M is still not sleeping great, but his sleep has always gone in phases, so I'm not sure how much of that we can attribute to potty training.  Overall, I'm pleased with the method and results and am glad that we got through the worst of it before the new baby arrives.

First Day of Preschool

Today was Baby M's first day of preschool.  And to answer the most common question I've been getting... no, nobody cried. He didn't cry.  I didn't cry.  I like to think this just shows how well adjusted we both are, but based on some of the reactions I've been getting I guess this makes me something of a freak. Apparently, it's fine that Baby M didn't cry, but I should have been holding back the tears, peering through the gate and counting the minutes until I picked him up again.

Now maybe it's because today was really just a taste of preschool-- 2 hours with only half of the new kids attending.  Two hours gave me just enough time to drop my husband off at work, stop at the bank and pick up a few things at the grocery store before heading back to collect Baby M.  Perhaps if he'd been away longer I'd have worked myself into a tearful frenzy like the other mothers waiting outside the gate, but I don't think so.  I'm happy Baby M is growing up.  I'm proud that he's able to take on some independence and I'm excited about some of the things he's going to be learning. I'm confident that the preschool he's attending is a safe environment with caring teachers and good kids.  And I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to the 12 hours a week that I get to reclaim for myself (at least until Baby #2 arrives).  Sure I felt a twinge of wistfulness that Baby M didn't need me the way he used to, but it was overshadowed by the satisfaction of looking at how far Baby M has come over the last 3 years.

Baby M talks to the Bump

Every so often I ask Baby M if he'd like to say anything to his brother.  Usually he replies, "No, I'll just wait until he comes out."  Other than a brief infatuation with my popped out belly button, Baby M has not been terribly interested in the new baby.  Yesterday, however, when I asked if he'd like to talk to his brother he said "okay."  He knelt down, put his face close to my belly and shouted, "Hey!  Can I get a glass of water?"  Somehow I think Baby M's got the big brother thing down.