Threats and Sighs

So we've been having a little problem with Baby M for the last week or so.  At three and a half he has started biting.  He never bit anyone before, but now he does.  Hard.  And he doesn't let go until you physically unclamp his jaw from your arm.  On the plus side, he only bites my husband and me, but really, is that much of a plus?  We ask him why he is biting and he replies "I don't know."  We've told him biting is unacceptable, that it hurts us, that he should use his words, that if he is angry or frustrated he can bite a pillow.  None of these statements have had any effect. He bites seemingly without cause or provocation.  Yesterday he leaned over and bit me while we were eating dinner.  Tonight he bit my husband while getting into the bath.  I suspect that he is biting because he feels he's not getting enough attention, and we are doing our best to spend dedicated time with him, but we still really would like the biting to stop.

Today I was sitting on the couch with the boys and I saw Baby M lean in for the bite.  Tired, angry, tangled up with Baby S and unable to move away I said, "If you bite me you cannot play your Super-Grover game on the computer." (I'd told him he could play it after lunch.)  He paused for a moment and then sunk his teeth into my wrist.  In theory I don't believe in threatening children, especially with "consequences" completely unrelated to the problem behavior.  But in practice?  Well, stuff happens.  But today I was reminded why I try not to use threats.  As soon as I said "Ok, no computer game" he started the tantrum to end all tantrums.  He screamed and cried for about an hour (apologies to my neighbor with the open house).  The tantrum I could handle, but then he told me "The thing that will make me stop biting is if you let me play a game."  Not exactly the message I was going for.  Later that night I overheard Baby M relating the episode to my husband.  His explanation of what happened was "Mommy took away my game to make me frustrated because I made Mommy frustrated when I bit her."  Again, not really the lesson I wanted him to learn.  Furthermore, Baby M bit my husband about 15 minutes prior to this conversation, so aside from not teaching him anything useful my threat didn't curb the problem behavior either.

I'd like Baby M to learn that biting is wrong because it hurts people and understand that hurting people is wrong.  I'd like him to learn to express his feelings and ask for what he needs.  I am just not sure how to teach him this. I talk about treating people with respect. I try to label his own and other's feelings.  Our number one house rule is that we do not hurt people or animals.  I just do not know what to do.  Sigh.

TV 2.0

A few weeks ago Baby M's Waldorf-inspired preschool asked him for his favorite part of the day.  He replied it was when he got to watch a video.  I was horrified, but now I've decided I am giving up my guilt over Baby M's TV viewing.  He watches an hour of TV a day, pretty much every day and he loves it.  Whenever anyone asks me about TV I usually justify it with "He doesn't nap" or "I am selective about what he watches."  Which are both true, Baby M is regularly up for 13 hours a day straight, so even with an hour of TV he is still spending more time playing, drawing and exploring than many of his 2-hour napping peers.  And now that we primarily watch videos over Netlix instant download it's easy to limit his choices. We generally stick to Busytown Mysteries, with the occasional Kipper or Thomas thrown in.

Of course, just because I've come to terms with 60 minutes of TV time a day doesn't mean that Baby M has.  He always wants more.  I've written before about trying to manage Baby M's TV habit, but now that he is nearly 3 and a half his strategies are getting more sophisticated.  He still makes use of the tried and true whiny tantrum, but he has also started trying to charm me ("I'll watch a show and you can take a nap in your bed") , argue with me ("It's just a short one") or reason with me ("My brain is already ruined").  At least I know the message that TV is bad for his brain is getting through.

I'll admit it, I'm one of those parents that has a hard time saying no. So I kept trying to find the perfect approach that would make limiting the TV easy.   I tried coupons.  I tried TV only at certain times.  I tried a fixed number of shows.  But no matter what strategy I tried, Baby M wanted more TV.  Or Kideos on the iPhone.  Or YouTube videos on the PC.  Nothing made it easy. Ultimately, I just had to pick a rule and stick to it.  I know, this is Parenting 101.  But when it's so easy to make the whining stop and when a nap for me is part of the package, saying no can be pretty difficult.  But I did eventually do it. I decided one hour of TV a day, any time after breakfast and before dinner.  He can use that hour however he wants-- two Busytowns, one Sesame Street, any show approved by me.   He can break it up or use it all in one sitting, but when it's used up the remotes get put away.  Baby M still whines about the TV every day, but now that he knows I won't budge he gives up after 5 minutes or so and finds something else to do.  And, goofy as it sounds, I feel a little bit proud of myself every time he does.

No Running!

This past weekend we went to a wedding. Baby M was invited and attended in a nice white shirt and some very nice $60 black shoes (where oh where did he get these extra wide feet that only fit in Stride Rite shoes?). After the ceremony and before the reception really got started we were in the ballroom and Baby M was running around like a maniac on the empty dance floor. Add a welding mask and some leg warmers and he'd have been ready for his Flashdance audition. Two little girls came into the room and immediately joined Baby M in all his hyperactive glory. It was cute. The three of them, dressed liked little aristocrats running around like little hooligans. Then the girls mother walks in and says "Girls, no running."

This immediately made me wonder, should Baby M not be running? Am I being a bad parent? We all know it doesn't take much to make me question my parenting. I went through my checklist:

1. Is Baby M endangering himself? No.
2. Is Baby M endangering someone else? Nope.
3. Is Baby M unduly disrupting other people? I looked around the half-empty room. The bride and groom would be taking pictures for at least another 20 minutes and in this pre-intoxicated state no one was getting near the dance floor. In fact, I would argue that the toddlers were pretty good entertainment for the bored couples sitting around the edge of the room.
   

So I said nothing and I let Baby M keep running. I did feel bad for the two little girls who stood despondently by their mother as Baby M ran in circles until he collapsed, happily announcing "I fell down". I'm sure his squeals of delight sounded like taunting to them-- "Neh neh neh neh I get to run." I wondered if I should hold Baby M back for their benefit.

What do you do when your standards of behavior are different from another parent's? Should the stricter parent's standards automatically be adopted? Obviously when you are in someone's home you follow their rules, but what about at a park? or at a wedding? I'm sure the parents with more draconian standards think they have the higher ground, but I'm not so sure. Isn't joyful exuberance one of things we remember fondly from childhood? Is a little noise so bad? Perhaps I am that mom. The one that all the other moms talk about behind her back, the one that they secretly want to give a copy of Dare to Discipline. Or maybe I'm the mom whose kid isn't afraid to express himself, who lives joyfully, who doesn't worry about what others think and who sucks all the marrow out of life. I'd be pretty happy If I'm that mom. But I can't say with any confidence that I'm either of those moms. More likely, I'm just a mom, taking it day by day, trying to do the best I can.

Discipline

An acquaintance of mine started putting her daughter in time-outs at 9 months old. I never said anything, but I wondered (a) what could a 9 month old possibly do to earn a time out and (b) did this woman really think she was teaching her child anything useful by parking her in a pack n play for 2 minutes? I know many people swear by time-outs, but I've always felt vaguely uneasy with the concept. Taking a time-out from playing with peers is one thing, but isolating a young child from a parent especially when she is agitated and may not fully understand what she's done to upset that parent just seems cruel. So when a friend mentioned that Alfie Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason, had some good alternatives to time-outs I decided to check it out of the library.

I really enjoyed the book. The first half catalogs how and why many popular discipline methods fail-- corporeal punishment, time-outs, reward charts and praise. Basically Kohn says that although such techniques may produce obedience in children, they do not help children to become kind, moral, confident or good problem solvers. Additionally such actions may end up eroding our relationships with our children. As he points out, "When you don't explain [why hitting is wrong] the default reason not to hit is that you'll be punished." And even if you do explain to your child why hitting is wrong in addition to punishing him, he is more likely to focus on the consequence to himself as opposed to how he may have hurt someone else. Praise and rewards for good behavior are essentially the other side of the same coin. Behaving well becomes all about self-interest instead of being a good citizen for the sake of others. The book is extensively footnoted and Kohn backs up most of his statements with research studies. Initially I thought his characterization of time-outs as "love withdrawal" was a bit extreme, but by the end of this section of the book he had convinced me that we should try to avoid these popular techniques, or at the very least not use them as our default form of discipline.

The second half of the book discusses what to do instead of time-outs, reward charts, etc. Kohn says we should listen to our children's explanations, give them reasons, give them choices, make compliance a game and, when necessary, exert parental authority with as much kindness and patience as possible. Here I would have really liked some more concrete examples. He did provide a few examples of how to deal with apologies, inappropriate TV shows and a really lovely anecdote about dealing with a child who was potentially going to clobber someone with a rock, but I still feel like more concrete examples would have been helpful. Of course the very nature of this type of discipline is that it is specific to the child and parent involved, so what may be effective and appropriate for one family may not work for another. For me, one of the most useful messages of the book is that we should remember our goals as parents center around teaching our children to be compassionate, thoughtful, confident people. I don't want my child to be the type of person who unquestioningly obeys the most powerful person around, whether that person is me as a parent, the queen bee in high school or an unethical boss at work.

But getting back to practical matters, I'm lucky that Baby M is a pretty good kid and I really don't have too many discipline problems. Other than some bedtime issues and food throwing we are in good shape. Luckily, I have a pretty high tolerance for mess and dog that eats everything. Seriously, how does anyone raise a toddler without a dog around to lick up the mess?