My New Favorite Breakfast Recipe

Baby M adores pancakes, but I generally don't have enough time or energy in the morning to make a big batch.  Plus, traditional pancakes are not the healthiest way to start the morning.  I love the recipe below because it is easy, healthy and Baby M gobbles them up.

Oatmeal- Banana Pancakes
1/2 cup rolled oats
1 banana mashed up
1 egg
1/4 cup skim milk
1/4 - 1/2 tsp cinnamon

Mix everything together and cook on a lightly greased skillet.  Makes about 4 pancakes.

Today I added a handful of frozen blueberries and used soy milk instead of regular milk and they came out great.

Letting it All Hang Out at the UCLA Language Lab

I took Baby S to the UCLA Language Lab to participate in a study this week.  I'd been to the lab before with Baby M, but this was Baby S's first trip to campus.  As with my previous visits, a grad student met us at the parking garage and escorted us to the lab.  The researcher explained the study to us, I answered a short questionnaire about the languages spoken in our home and Baby S got his picture taken for a certificate of participation.  We also go to pick out a baby T-shirt as a thank you gift for our participation.

The goal of this study was to determine when babies begin to distinguish their own language from other languages.  Baby S and I sat in a small, dark room while recordings of people speaking English and Japanese played.  The researcher watched us over a video feed and recorded whether or not Baby S paid attention to the voices.  I wore head phones blasting Frank Sinatra tunes so that I wouldn't inadvertently influence Baby S as I held him in my lap.   About 2 minutes into the session Baby S let out the loudest, smelliest fart ever.  It was so loud I could hear it over Frank belting out My Way.  Then Baby S proceeded to have an explosive bowel movement. It was one of those situations where you marvel at how much noise, odor and poop one tiny baby can produce.  I held him, grimacing, and tried to decide if I should stop the study or not.  These experiments are usually pretty short so I thought we could just tough it out, but it kept going on and on and on.  The Way You Look Tonight.  Luck Be A Lady.  The Girl From Ipanema.  All punctuated by loud noises from Baby S's bottom.  Eventually the researcher came out from behind the curtain and told us we were done.  I don't know if they'll be able to use our tape or not, but at least they'll get a good laugh watching it.

TV 2.0

A few weeks ago Baby M's Waldorf-inspired preschool asked him for his favorite part of the day.  He replied it was when he got to watch a video.  I was horrified, but now I've decided I am giving up my guilt over Baby M's TV viewing.  He watches an hour of TV a day, pretty much every day and he loves it.  Whenever anyone asks me about TV I usually justify it with "He doesn't nap" or "I am selective about what he watches."  Which are both true, Baby M is regularly up for 13 hours a day straight, so even with an hour of TV he is still spending more time playing, drawing and exploring than many of his 2-hour napping peers.  And now that we primarily watch videos over Netlix instant download it's easy to limit his choices. We generally stick to Busytown Mysteries, with the occasional Kipper or Thomas thrown in.

Of course, just because I've come to terms with 60 minutes of TV time a day doesn't mean that Baby M has.  He always wants more.  I've written before about trying to manage Baby M's TV habit, but now that he is nearly 3 and a half his strategies are getting more sophisticated.  He still makes use of the tried and true whiny tantrum, but he has also started trying to charm me ("I'll watch a show and you can take a nap in your bed") , argue with me ("It's just a short one") or reason with me ("My brain is already ruined").  At least I know the message that TV is bad for his brain is getting through.

I'll admit it, I'm one of those parents that has a hard time saying no. So I kept trying to find the perfect approach that would make limiting the TV easy.   I tried coupons.  I tried TV only at certain times.  I tried a fixed number of shows.  But no matter what strategy I tried, Baby M wanted more TV.  Or Kideos on the iPhone.  Or YouTube videos on the PC.  Nothing made it easy. Ultimately, I just had to pick a rule and stick to it.  I know, this is Parenting 101.  But when it's so easy to make the whining stop and when a nap for me is part of the package, saying no can be pretty difficult.  But I did eventually do it. I decided one hour of TV a day, any time after breakfast and before dinner.  He can use that hour however he wants-- two Busytowns, one Sesame Street, any show approved by me.   He can break it up or use it all in one sitting, but when it's used up the remotes get put away.  Baby M still whines about the TV every day, but now that he knows I won't budge he gives up after 5 minutes or so and finds something else to do.  And, goofy as it sounds, I feel a little bit proud of myself every time he does.

Raising Happiness

 Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps For More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents is my new favorite parenting book.  I checked it out of the library a few weeks ago and found myself marking so many passages to photocopy that I finally decided to just purchase my own copy of the book.  Christine Carter, the director of UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, draws on the latest research and her own experience to come up with a succinct guide on how to raise not only happy children, but ones that are kind, grateful and self-motivated.  Not surprisingly, part of the recipe for happy children includes happy parents, so there are also plenty of tips on how to increase your own happiness and create a joyful family environment.

If you've read books like NurtureShock or Unconditional Parenting the science covered in Raising Happiness will not be new, and Carter does not spend a lot of time rehashing the research, she is more interested in the conclusions and how we can apply them to our parenting practice.  The thing that this book does amazingly well is offer specific advice while providing enough flexibility to tailor the recommendations to your family.  If saying a prayer before dinner as part of a gratitude practice doesn't work for you, how about a toast?  If you can't volunteer with your child, maybe you can pick up trash at the park together.  So many parenting books are either so rigid you feel that one misstep will doom your child for life or else so nebulous that you can't figure out how to apply any of their suggestions.

Initially I was a little put off by the book. The first chapter draws heavily on Carter's experiences as a working mom and I was starting to wonder if her tips would apply to parent who stays home.  Especially when, in a section on building a good relationship with your partner, she wrote "busy couples with kids and two full-time jobs don't have sex less than couples with a stay-at-home parent."  As if I have nothing to do other than lay around in lingerie thinking sexy thoughts.  Anyway, despite the shaky start, I was totally won over by the end of the second chapter. Raising Happiness is organized into short chapters, with sub-headings and "Try This" sections that make finding the information you're looking for easy.  She only employs one acronym (ERN - empathy, reason, non-controlling language) which is actually simple enough for me to remember and make use of when dealing with my 3 year old.  Plus, she recognizes that kids may respond differently to her tactics.  She actually includes an example where labeling a angry child's feeling does not diffuse the situation, but instead prompts him to shout "I AM NOT FRUSTRATED.  I AM HAPPY!"  So many of the examples in this book spoke to my own experience, from being bored while playing with my son to chaotic dinner time situations.

Since the book is about creating a happy and fulfilling family situation, its messages are relevant to families with infants all the way up through the teenage years.  Once you are beyond the books on when to introduce solids and how to get your baby to sleep (I read plenty of those!) I highly recommend picking up Raising Happiness.

Two Kids Means No Time to Blog

Sorry for the long absence.  With 2 kids there just never seems to be time for the blog.  One or the other always needs my attention and in the rare moment that they are both occupied (or sleeping) there is laundry, cooking, cleaning, or episodes of True Blood to be watched.  And if I ever try to do any writing while they're awake the baby starts crying and the three year old demands to watch a YouTube video (curse you Peppa Pig!)  But, that doesn't mean I haven't thought about this blog, so here are a few things that I really wanted to blog about but never got around to

-- How well Baby M has adjusted to his new brother and how much I love the fact that he makes plans for their future together (Halloween costumes, sleeping arrangements, who gets to ride shotgun in their first car)
-- How much more I'm enjoying Baby S and whether it is because I know he's probably my last baby or because I'm more comfortable taking care of a newborn or simply because he doesn't cry for 8 hours a day
-- Despite never wanting more than 2 children, why it is so hard to say that I'm done having babies?
-- My fear that Baby M will never develop empathy (after a disturbing incident involving a fire truck and a friend's head)
-- My ridiculous guilt over not starting Mommy & Me classes with Baby S yet
-- How can adding one person to the family quadruple the amount of laundry I need to do?

And, perhaps most importantly,
-- In going for a lower maintenance hairstyle, did I inadvertently give myself "mom hair"

Welcome Baby S!

I based my birth plans for Baby S on my experience with Baby M.  Yes, I'd heard that second babies come faster, that every pregnancy is different, blah, blah, blah.  My pregnancy with S had been very similar to my previous pregnancies and I had no reason to doubt that labor would follow the same general path, just maybe a little faster.  Well, it was a lot faster and quite different.  With Baby M my contractions started mildly, ramped up over the next 8 hours and then I spent another 8 hours in the hospital before he was born.  So 16 hours total.  With Baby S it was less than 5 hours from start to finish.

My water broke late Sunday night.  This caught me off guard, partially because the first time around my water didn't break until I was already well into labor, but mainly because it was 3 days before my due date. I know 3 days is not terribly early, but Baby M had been a week overdue and I figured Baby S would be late too.  At my last OB appointment I was only 1 cm dilated and I thought I had at least another week to wait.  Consequently, I had planned a full day of tasks for Monday -- laundry, grocery shopping, meal prep and packing my hospital bag.

So now we were suddenly in the Hollywood  movie birth scenario.  I was throwing clothes in my hospital bag, calling relatives to come over at one in the morning and trying to convince my husband that yes, we actually did need to go to the hospital.  Right now.

I had been toying with the idea of having an unmedicated birth.  With Baby M I had the epidural and overall it was a positive experience,  but I'd also wondered what natural birth was like.  Was it really as empowering or,  heaven-forbid, orgasmic as all those books said it would be?  (I'd read Naomi Wolf's Misconceptions, Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and watched The Business of Being Born, my head was full of natural birthing propaganda).  On the way to the hospital, however, I realized that you don't really play around with natural birth.  You either need to be committed or not.  And I had never really fully committed.  I still felt flustered over the whole bag situation, my contractions were getting stronger and I forgot all about my visualization techniques.  This is silly, I thought.  I will just get the epidural.

When we got to the hospital it was 2am and I was 5cm.  The nurse checked me in, I got changed and situated in my room and I asked for the epidural.  At this point the contractions were getting quite strong and were right on top of each other.  Most of my focus was just on getting through them.  The nurse checked me again and I was 9cm.  Do you still want the epidural, she asked. Um, yes.  But by the time the anesthesiologist was ready my OB was there saying it was time to push.  So I ended up with an unmedicated birth after all.  I have to say, it was definitely not orgasmic and by the end I did not feel strong and empowered.  I just felt tired.  And that was after only 2 hours of hard labor, I can't imagine what it must be like for the women whose labors last for hours on end.  On the upside, my recovery has been so much easier and I do think that is in part because I did not have the epidural.  And, as my husband likes to point out, I now have bragging rights.

So Baby S came out at a healthy 8 pounds 2 ounces with all 9 on his Apgars.  We struggled a bit with jaundice and the poor little guy had daily heel pricks for a while, but now he is nice and pink.  He sleeps a lot and cries very little (the exact opposite of Baby M at this age).  Baby M is adjusting well and has been very helpful.  We'll see how we fare once my mother goes home and friends stop bringing us dinner, but for now we are all feeling good.

Siblings Without Rivalry

So I decided I'd better get in one book on siblings before baby #2 comes along and Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish came highly recommended despite being written 23 years ago.  I liked the book and thought it was helpful, but it definitely read like something written decades ago, and not just because of the dated cover design and references to the library card catalog.  In case you missed it, I read a lot of parenting books, and I generally try to read current books-- NutureShock, SuperBaby, The Parents We Mean to Be, Unconditional Parenting, etc.  These books were all written in the last few years and tend to be footnoted extensively with references to scientific journals, experiments and additional resources.  And this scientific rigor has never bothered me; I like the fact that the advice being doled out has been tested and that there is more than just some "expert's"opinion or personal experience backing it up.

Siblings Without Rivalry is structured completely differently from most of the books I read.  It's based on a 6 week workshop on sibling rivalry and includes the conversations, stories and handouts from these workshops.  We hear about the participants' struggles with their children, their own sibling relationships and even tearful confessions of what they wished their parents had done differently. At times it is very much like sitting in on someone else's group therapy session from 1987 when latch-key kids were the norm, gender stereotypes were readily accepted and promoting self-esteem was paramount.

I know this does not sound promising, but I actually found the structure quite refreshing.  Instead of reading about carefully controlled experiments I was reading about real conflicts between real siblings.  We don't just read about what the research says you should do, we actually get to see how imperfect, tired, angry parents apply the techniques and hear about how they work or how they don't.  And, perhaps most encouraging, we get to see parents head down a wrong path, change their approach mid-conflict and still end up with a mostly positive result.  In so many of the books I read the author provides so much evidence for a particular approach that I start to feel doing anything differently will doom my child to a life of sleeplessness or low IQ or anxiety, etc. etc.

Sure, some of the illustrations in the book are a little hokey and the first chapter, which asks us to explore our child's feelings about a new sibling by having us imagine our husband bringing home a new wife, was more amusing than anything else, but I do feel that I gained valuable information on how to help Baby M deal with a younger sibling.  (And I did have to laugh when the authors asked me to write down my reaction to my husband giving the new wife one of my old sweaters and saying "you've put on a little weight, your clothes are too tight on you and they'll fit her perfectly.")   Some key points from the book:

1. Acknowledge each child's feelings about their sibling, even if they are negative
2. Do not compare the children to each other
3. Do not put children in "roles", even if both roles seem positive (e.g. the smart one and the funny one)
4. Instead of focussing on giving kids equal parts, try to give each child what they need when they need it
5. Intervene in fights when necessary, but try to put the onus for solving the problem on the kids.

These suggestions may sound obvious, but I can see how easy it would be to forget about them in the heat of the moment.  If my boys were fighting about the number of pancakes on their plates I can absolutely see myself snapping "You both have four pancakes" instead of asking if they were still hungry.  It's straight-forward examples like this one that make the tips in this book easy to remember and hopefully easy to implement.