Say what?

The other day a friend dejectedly told me that her 2 year daughter has started saying "Shut Up!" She's embarrassed and fears people will think her home is filled with verbal abuse (it isn't). And I know more than one mom who was surprised and appalled when her toddler whipped out the S-bomb or worse on the playground. It's really amazing some of the phrases kids pick up, even if they only hear them one time. So far Baby M has not said anything truly objectionable (although he does have a tendency to shout "poop" at inopportune times) but I am still bothered by some of the things he does say.

The other day I made a quick stop at the computer to look up an address and Baby M started tugging on my leg and whining "No check your email Mommy." Later, we were getting ready to go to the park. I went into the bathroom to put on some lip gloss and Baby M followed me insisting "No put on make-up Mommy." Email? Make-up? Where did Baby M learn these words? How much time am I spending on the computer and my personal appearance? And is it taking away from time I should be spending with Baby M?

I know that we all need a little "me-time" each day, but I also know that with my laptop always on and sitting on the kitchen counter it is perhaps a little too easy for me to walk by on the way to play with Baby M and say, "Oh, a new email. It will just take a second to read it." And usually it does just take a few seconds to read it, but I wonder if it is also sending Baby M the message that the computer is my priority instead of him. So I have resolved to keep the laptop closed and only check email a few times a day when Baby M is napping or engaged with some other activity. Now, as for the make-up thing, I am pretty certain I am not spending more than a few minutes a day in front on the mirror. If I am am spending an excessive amount of time on my personal appearance I really need to take a class or something, because the results are not that impressive. So for now, Mommy is keeping her lip gloss. Sorry, Baby M, you'll just have to wait.

Happiest Toddler on the Block

A few weeks ago Baby M's frequent tantrums had me at the end of my rope so I decided to check out Harvey Karp's book, The Happiest Toddler on the Block: How to Eliminate Tantrums and Raise a Patient, Respectful, and Cooperative One- to Four-Year-Old. I just finished reading it and although I don't agree with all of the advice in the book , there are enough helpful tips to make it worthwhile. One of Karp's suggestions helped me get Baby M into my gym's Kids Club so that I could take a yoga class and that hour alone was well worth the time I spent reading the book.

The book is tactical in nature and a quick, although repetitive read. It's broken into 3 sections. In the first section Karp tells us that toddlers are like "cavemen"-- not fully developed, lacking verbal skills and ruled by their emotions. Yeah, I didn't need a book to tell me that. The second section explains Karp's technique for communicating with toddlers using the "Fast Food Rule (FFR)" and "Toddlerese". The last section gives examples of what you can do to encourage good behavior, discourage not so good behavior and stop very bad or dangerous behavior.

First, what I liked about the book: I liked that he reminds us to acknowledge and respect our child's feelings, even in the midst of a tantrum. The FFR basically means that you repeat what your child is feeling, mirroring his emotions, before you communicate what you want him to do. (Just like the guy at McDonald's repeats your order back before he tells you to drive forward and pay him $5.50). This is a technique that I learned back when I was a peer counselor in high school AND college, so you think it would have stuck with me, but I never thought to try it with Baby M. Karp recommends doing the FFR in "Toddlerese" which is speaking in simple, repetitive phrases that toddlers understand even when upset. So you might say to your agitated child "Ball, ball, you want the ball!" before saying "but we have to share with Sam right now." I'm happy to report that the FFR + Toddlerese has been very effective in reducing Baby M's tantrums. Sometimes the tantrum starts anew when I get to the "but", but more than half of the time I'm able to quell the blow up. I also liked his suggestions to "play the boob" (e.g. try to put Baby M's shoes on his hands and allow him to show me the right way to do it), make up stories for teaching good behavior, and to use compromises. Baby M is really into "making deals" right now and we regularly bargain down reading "all the books" to reading two books. Yes, these techniques were already in my bag of tricks, but Karp's book reminded me to dust them off and now I'm using them more frequently.

What I didn't like was Karp's recommendation to excessively praise toddlers as a way of encouraging good behavior. If you follow parenting news, you've probably heard the debate about whether or not we should praise our kids at all, inspired by Alfie Kohn's book and article in the New York Times. I do tend to feel that too much praise is detrimental, but even if I didn't, I think I would balk at Karp's suggestion of saying "good stopping" to a child who had finally stopped pounding the table. Also, as I've written before, I don't agree with time-outs and I don't like the way Karp often framed encounters with our children in terms of a winner and a loser. And some of the tips just aren't practical. I cannot growl at my child, no matter how annoying he is being. In fact in desperation, I did try Karp's "Clap-Growl" to prevent Baby M from dumping a bowl of peas on the floor. My husband looked at me like I was insane, I couldn't keep a straight face and the peas ended up everywhere. But the most annoying thing about the book? Karp's use of baby-talk in his examples. Milky? Crunchies? Mister Towel? Yikes! If I ever start talking like that please whack me in the head.

So, with this book, like most parenting books I read, I'll take what works for us and forget about the rest.

Autry Museum - More fun than you'd think

It's October and here in Los Angeles we are on "Storm Watch." Which means that it's rainy, the freeways are a mess, newscasters are running about in yellow slickers and stay at home moms are desperately seeking indoor activities. Today we spent the morning at the Autry Museum in Griffith Park and I was pleasantly surprised by how much we enjoyed it.

Being neither a fan of Westerns nor horses, I was not expecting much, but today (second Tuesday of the month) was free day at the museum so I decided to give it a try. Most of the museums around Los Angeles have one free day per month and depending on the museum, free day can be a mad house-- lines of school field trippers, hordes of stroller pushing moms, but we lucked out and the museum was relatively quiet.

I'm sure many people have the same impression that I did, that the museum is some sort of tribute to Gene Autry, but in fact the Autry Center "explores the experiences and perceptions of the diverse peoples of the American West." It has exhibits on immigrants, Native Americans, the gold rush, etc. but we focused on the toddler friendly areas, meaning we skipped the photographs of Native Americans and spent an inordinate amount of time trying on cowboy hats. Baby M and his friend Baby K sat on a saddle and while watching themselves superimposed on old westerns, ran around a re-creation of an old west street, looked at classic cowboy toys from the 1950's, sat in a stagecoach and played in a 1930's era replica of a Chinese immigrant family's home. We spent a few hours at the museum, had a snack and then headed home. It's not the kind of place where you'd spend all day (unless your kid really, really likes cowboys), but it was a nice way to get out of the rain for a few hours.

Lake Shrine Temple Garden

Today Baby M and I spent the morning at the Lake Shrine Temple Garden in Pacific Palisades. The 10 acre plot is a spiritual sanctuary with beautiful gardens, waterfalls, a lake, meditation areas, swans, ducks, koi and, somewhat mysteriously, a reproduction of a 16 century Dutch windmill.

I was a little apprehensive about taking Baby M, a boisterous 2 year old, to a place intended for quiet meditation and serenity, but he and his 3 companions behaved very well. Maybe all the inner peace and harmony rubbed off on them. We walked along the shady paths, enjoyed the flowers and fed the swans. Halfway around the lake there is a small shaded landing with a bucket of food for feeding the fish and birds. The kids loved tossing the pellets to the animals while the parents enjoyed the view and some adult conversation. We spent about 2 hours at the site and circled the lake twice (that's at toddler pace, on my own I probably could have done 5 or 6 laps during the same timeframe).

The Lake Shrine was a fun, easy outing. Free parking, free entrance to the garden and free duck food. And, most importantly, Baby M was tired out after running around in the fresh air and took a nice long nap.