The Mother's Almanac

While I was still pregnant my mother-in-law gave me a copy of The Mother's Almanac by Marguerite Kelly and Elia Parsons, copyright 1975, saying that this was the only book she consulted to raise her two sons. I wasn't sure if this comment was supposed to mean “Look how great my sons are, use this book” (which, granted, her sons are pretty great, I mean I married one of them) or if this was just another comment along the lines of “in my day we didn't have car seats, baby bath tubs or 12 books on infant care.” Yes, we actually own 12 books on raising a child. Everything from What to Expect the First Year to Touchpoints to Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. And that doesn't include the additional 10 books my husband checked out from the library.

Knowing much of the thinking on raising children has changed over the past 30 years I hadn't paid much attention to The Mother's Almanac, but yesterday I pulled it off the shelf to have a look. The back cover promised to cover the “realities of motherhood from the mechanics of diapering to... old fashioned virtues, basic physics, bricklaying... and much more.” Whoa! None of my other books have anything about bricklaying! And basic physics? Am I going to have to determine the coefficient of friction to keep my baby from sliding down an incline? I was intrigued. I flipped opened the book and started reading.

The opening sentences read “There are many times in parenthood when happiness thrusts your spirits higher than the stars and the pleasure of loving makes living a throbbing delight. This is normal, but like sex, much too brief.” This is is the only childcare book I've ever read written in the style of a trashy romance novel. And a few pages later I found this gem, “ In child care, as in sex, practice doesn't make it perfect every time, but it sure does make it better.” It's clear this book came out of the decade that brought us the key party.

I skimmed through the section on labor & delivery, which, amazingly, contained several more sex allusions, and an outright plea for the missionary position. It also defined hospital rooming-in as having the baby with you for 5-8 hours, which I found funnier than all the throbbing and thrusting comments. Finally, I reached the chapter on what to do now that you're home from the hospital. It begins by stating that you should dress every day as soon as you get up. As of noon, my bottom half is dressed, but I'm still wearing my pajamas top, does that count as being dressed? The authors also offer, “There are at least two times a day when a wife should look good and smell good: at night when she goes to bed and in the morning before her husband leaves for work.” I'm afraid I fail on those counts; I've worn sweatpants and a ponytail pretty much every day for the past month and I smell like spit-up more often than not. The authors go on to talk about getting your “good figure” back and spend several paragraphs on various exercises for postpartum moms. Of course, they also include “Vaginal Exercises” with the helpful comment, “You'll like these more.” I'm sure at some point they will get around to actually caring for your child.

I haven't gotten to the bricklaying section yet, that comes later in the book. It makes sense, a child needs to be at least 3 or 4 before you start letting him play with trowels and construction materials. I think this is my new favorite childcare book, I'm going to start buying it for all my friends.