The Food Thing

I openly admit that I am not the healthiest of eaters, but I am hardly the unhealthiest. I buy mostly organic, try to avoid processed foods, rarely have cookies or candy around and am attempting to cook using more whole foods. But, yes, I am still a fan of the Trader Joe's frozen aisle, canned tomatoes and Goldfish Crackers, which brings us to today's topic: friends and food.

The other day I was in the park having lunch with some friends and their children. Baby M was happily munching on his turkey sandwich, melon balls and Goldfish Crackers when I heard my friend say sharply to her daughter, "Where did you get that?" I turned and saw a look of horror on her face and a small orange crakcer, courtesy of Baby M, in her daughter's hand. Thinking the look was of the "oh-my-god-you're-eating-something-off-the-ground" variety I said, "Oh, that's one of Baby M's, she's welcome to have some crackers." Then she looked at me and I realized the look was more of the "what-kind-of-parent-would-serve-this-junk-to-their-child" sort. She gingerly took the cracker away from her child and, using 2 fingers as if the cracker was possibly toxic, handed it back to me saying "No, that's okay."

Now I understand that parents have the right, and responsibility to teach their children about nutrition. And I absolutely sympathize with the parents of children with food allergies and how vigilant they must be about what their child eats. But isn't it just a little rude to imply that I am poisoning my child with a few refined grains? I felt so belittled that I went home and found this article by a dietitian defending Goldfish Crackers. (not that I sent it to her) When we are out and other people are graciously sharing their food I always say thank you and let Baby M have some. One oreo, one potato chip, even one of those weird fruit-like rollup thingys is not going to sicken him. In fact, hopefully, it will help him become an adventurous eater who knows the value of moderation. After all, who wants to live in a world without chocolate, ice cream and Goldfish Crackers?

Hide & Seek

Baby M's new favorite game is Hide & Seek. I am still not sure where he learned it. My best guess is that he picked it up from Sesame Street, you know the one where Rosita gets angry with Zoe for not not playing Hide & Seek correctly and then Cuba Gooding Jr. gets angry with the word angry for wandering off.

Anyway, one afternoon Baby M said to me "Mommy. Hide & seek." I gamely said, "Ok, go count in the kitchen," which to my amazement he did. He counted all the way to 10, pretty impressive for a not quite 2 year old, if I do say so myself. I quickly ran and hid behind the door of his bedroom. Baby M started wandering through the house singing "Maa-meee, Maa-meee." When he finally found me he gave me the biggest grin ever and gleefully shouted "Hide again, Mommy!"

We played a few times. Actually, more than a few times. I would be tempted to say one too many times. Each time he would begin by looking in my previous hiding places. He would check behind the door or in the bathtub and announce, "No Mommy here" and "Not in bathtub" as if going through a little checklist. I love this new game playing phase of Baby M's and am looking forward to afternoons filled with hours of Hide & Seek, Tag and Red Light Green Light. Hours and hours and hours. Hmmm. Well, I am mostly looking forward to it.

Discipline

An acquaintance of mine started putting her daughter in time-outs at 9 months old. I never said anything, but I wondered (a) what could a 9 month old possibly do to earn a time out and (b) did this woman really think she was teaching her child anything useful by parking her in a pack n play for 2 minutes? I know many people swear by time-outs, but I've always felt vaguely uneasy with the concept. Taking a time-out from playing with peers is one thing, but isolating a young child from a parent especially when she is agitated and may not fully understand what she's done to upset that parent just seems cruel. So when a friend mentioned that Alfie Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason, had some good alternatives to time-outs I decided to check it out of the library.

I really enjoyed the book. The first half catalogs how and why many popular discipline methods fail-- corporeal punishment, time-outs, reward charts and praise. Basically Kohn says that although such techniques may produce obedience in children, they do not help children to become kind, moral, confident or good problem solvers. Additionally such actions may end up eroding our relationships with our children. As he points out, "When you don't explain [why hitting is wrong] the default reason not to hit is that you'll be punished." And even if you do explain to your child why hitting is wrong in addition to punishing him, he is more likely to focus on the consequence to himself as opposed to how he may have hurt someone else. Praise and rewards for good behavior are essentially the other side of the same coin. Behaving well becomes all about self-interest instead of being a good citizen for the sake of others. The book is extensively footnoted and Kohn backs up most of his statements with research studies. Initially I thought his characterization of time-outs as "love withdrawal" was a bit extreme, but by the end of this section of the book he had convinced me that we should try to avoid these popular techniques, or at the very least not use them as our default form of discipline.

The second half of the book discusses what to do instead of time-outs, reward charts, etc. Kohn says we should listen to our children's explanations, give them reasons, give them choices, make compliance a game and, when necessary, exert parental authority with as much kindness and patience as possible. Here I would have really liked some more concrete examples. He did provide a few examples of how to deal with apologies, inappropriate TV shows and a really lovely anecdote about dealing with a child who was potentially going to clobber someone with a rock, but I still feel like more concrete examples would have been helpful. Of course the very nature of this type of discipline is that it is specific to the child and parent involved, so what may be effective and appropriate for one family may not work for another. For me, one of the most useful messages of the book is that we should remember our goals as parents center around teaching our children to be compassionate, thoughtful, confident people. I don't want my child to be the type of person who unquestioningly obeys the most powerful person around, whether that person is me as a parent, the queen bee in high school or an unethical boss at work.

But getting back to practical matters, I'm lucky that Baby M is a pretty good kid and I really don't have too many discipline problems. Other than some bedtime issues and food throwing we are in good shape. Luckily, I have a pretty high tolerance for mess and dog that eats everything. Seriously, how does anyone raise a toddler without a dog around to lick up the mess?

Huntingtion Library & Gardens

Last weekend my parents were in town visiting and we took a trip to the Huntington Library & Botanic Gardens in San Marino. My parents are fond of both plants and books, so I figured they would enjoy the Huntington. I was right.

We started off in the Library Main Exhibition Hall. Although I had spent many hours sitting and journaling in the gardens (I had a bit of an existential crisis back in 1999 when I lived in South Pasadena), I had never been in the actual library. It was really interesting. They have everything from a copy of the Gutenberg Bible to Christopher Isherwood's original manuscripts. We spent close to 2 hours wandering through the rooms, which to be honest, was a little longer than Baby M and I would have liked. My mother is one of those people who reads every plaque at the museum, which ensures we always learn something interesting, but means getting through one gallery can take forever.

After the library we wandered through the sculpture garden, rose garden, Japanese and Chinese gardens. All beautiful. Baby M refused the stroller for most of the visit, so we wandered Family Circus style and at a very leisurely pace. We walked through the conservatory, which houses tropical plants and the Plant Lab. The Plant Lab has interactive experiments focusing on different parts of plants. It was a little too advanced for Baby M, but I think it would be great fun for school age kids. Our final stop and the highlight of the trip was the Children's Garden.

The Children's Garden has pint sized arbors for the kids to run through, a bunch of fountains and misters that the kids can play in, a magnetic sand sculpture, a rainbow room and pebble chimes. The whole family really enjoyed playing in the garden and especially appreciated the misters on a hot Saturday afternoon.

At $20 a person (free entry for Baby M) , this was one of our more expensive adventures. The Huntington does have a Free Day the first Thursday of every month, but you need to call in advance to get tickets. Be sure to call as soon as the box office opens, because they sell out very quickly. The tickets for August sold out in 5 minutes.

Diaper Bags

I am in search of the perfect diaper bag but feel like I might as well be searching for the Holy Grail. I'm looking for a bag that isn't too big or too small, can be carried over the shoulder and convert to a backpack, is fashionable enough to pass a purse, fits over my stroller handles, isn't a "bottomless pit", is easy to clean and doesn't show dirt. Oh, and I don't want it to look like I raided a geisha's closet. Nothing against Chinese silk, but it's just not my style. So is that too much to ask? After searching diaperbags.com, amazon, etsy, and my local stores, the answer seems to be "yes".

For the past 2 years I've been carrying a Baby Kaed Sanya Diaper Bag in black that I got as a shower gift. It has served me well, but after 2 years of daily use it is threadbare and ready to be retired. Now that I've been searching for a new bag I am really starting to appreciate it's design. The main compartment is wide, but not too deep so it's easy to keep track of all your stuff. I kept 3 or 4 diapers, wipes, a change of clothes, a receiving blanket, sippy cup, snacks, first aid kit, hat, sunscreen, bib and some small toys in there and never had trouble finding any of it. There are several other pockets on the outside of the bag that I used to keep wallet, keys, phone and my personal items. I got compliments on the bag all the time and several people mentioned that it didn't look like a diaper bag. On the downside, it doesn't hang well on my stroller, it can be hard to keep on my shoulder when running after Baby M (and he runs fast now!) and the cell phone pocket is too small for my new iPhone.

A few weeks ago I found a SKIP HOP Dash Diaper Bag online for $30 and decided to give it a try. It's okay, but not great. The main problem I have with it is that the zippered pocket, intended for wallet, keys, etc. It is at the top of the inner pocket and as soon as I put my wallet in it it flops over and makes getting into the main compartment very difficult. It also doesn't hold nearly as much as my old bag and since the main pocket is narrow and deep items get lost easily. On the plus side, I like the option of wearing it messenger style and have even converted it to a backpack on occasion, albeit somewhat uncomfortably. The stroller hooks are great and it is something my husband can carry without feeling embarrassed.

So my quest for the perfect bag continues. Perhaps it doesn't exist and I'll just have to get a few bags to meet my needs. But if anyone out there has a bag they really like, let me know.

HappyHappy

On Monday Baby M and I, along with some friends, went to LACMA to check out "HappyHappy." It's part of the "Your Bright Future" exhibition which includes works by 12 contemporary artists from South Korea.

Baby M and I arrived at Hancock Park, home to LACMA, the Page Museum and the La Brea Tar pits, around 10am and were pleasantly surprised to find free parking on 6th Street. LACMA doesn't open until noon, but we were able to explore part of the "HappyHappy" project, a chain length fence with brightly colored plastic objects fastened to it. (Trust me, it looks better than it sounds.) We contributed to the piece by tying on one of Baby M's purple sand shovels. Baby M loved that he was able to touch all of the various bowls, cups and bottles, but was very upset to discover that the toy truck was firmly attached and could not be removed no matter how hard he tugged.

The other part of "HappyHappy", long strings of colorful plastic containers that hang from the ceiling near the museum's BP Grand Entrance, did not open until 11:30am when the museum box office opens. Being able to see but not run through the giant curtain was torture for the kids, but at least we were able to play hide and seek in "Urban Light", a grid made up of hundreds of classic lamp posts, while we waited.

"HappyHappy" part 2 was definitely worth the wait. Baby M and his friends loved running through the suspended bowls, cups and funnels. The guards asked us to make sure the kids did not tug on the strings, but other than that they allowed us to exhuberantly enjoy the exhibit. After running around the patio for a bit we used Baby M's NexGen pass to get into the Broad Contemporary Art Museum for free and took a look at the 10 foot tall "Balloon Dog (Blue)" (exactly what it sounds like) , a giant dollhouse and plenty of other fascinating pieces. Another fun day at LACMA.

Imagination

Baby M is lying face down on the kitchen floor.

Me: What are you doing?

Baby M mumbles something about trains.

Me: Oh, you're a train? What does a train say? Choo choo?

Baby M (sitting up): No Mommy, train tracks

and he lies back down on the floor. At least he is easy to keep track of this way (ha ha).

Bedtime Update

Last time you heard from me I was stealthily rolling across the floor and not so stealthily crashing into the furniture. Baby M has now been in his toddler bed a little over a week and I'm glad to report that things are looking up.

The first few nights were terrible. He'd get out of bed and pound on the door crying "Mommy, Mommy." Our brief foray into sleep training when Baby M was an infant was bad enough, now that he can ask for me by name it is unbearable. We consulted our sleep books and asked friends and family for suggestions. The overwhelming majority recommended that I go into his room periodically, put him back in the bed and then leave again. Do not give in to his demands that "Mommy lie down." In fact, many suggested that I not interact with him at all. Others allowed for a curt "It's time to sleep," and a few were generous enough to tack on a "Mommy loves you." But no way, under any circumstances, was I to remain in the room with him. That would teach him that he needed a crutch to sleep, or that he could manipulate me or some other equally negative lesson.

But here's the thing, we followed the Ferber/Graduated Extinction/Whatever-you-call-it method of checking and leaving and we ended up listening to Baby M cry for nearly 3 hours. All of us felt lousy by the end of the night. But what we discovered was that if I agreed to go sit on the couch, Baby M would patter happily over to his bed and lay down. He no longer demanded that I read him stories while he laid there. He didn't throw his blankets on the floor and cry for me to bring them back and he didn't need me to hold his hand. He just rolled over and was asleep in 20 minutes. So our new routine is to read him a story, put him to bed and then sit on the couch for the 20 minutes it takes for him to fall asleep.

And, really, what is so bad about that? So I spend 20 or 30 minutes sitting in a darkened room, reading, meditating, or just zoning out. How exactly is this detrimental to Baby M? Maybe he is trying to see if he can control me, or maybe he is afraid of the dark or maybe he just needs some extra affection right now.

Sometimes it is good just to sit. One of the overlooked benefits of children is that they force us to slow down and appreciate the moment. To stop and notice the leaf that looks like a butterfly, the jolt of surprise when a bubble pops on your cheek and the wonder of sitting quietly and watching your child sleep.