Yesterday I had my 3rd miscarriage. Out of 4 pregnancies, we've ended up with 1 baby. A baby I am eternally grateful for and that I feel very lucky to have, but nevertheless we've got a batting average of 25%. Not so hot. Aside from mourning this pregnancy, which involved a significant amount of heartache despite my efforts not to get too attached to it, I've also been questioning how many times I am willing to go through this. It's not like getting pregnant in the first place is easy for us. Conception involves daily temperature readings, precision timing, sperm friendly lubricants
and the occasional pharmaceutical. For us the whole process of getting pregnant and then making it through the first 4 months is stressful, emotional and not nearly as much fun as it should be. I jealously watch those couples who get pregnant easily and then happily begin decorating the nursery, never questioning that in 9 months they will be holding a screaming bundle of joy.Increasingly, or for today at least, the idea of "one and done", is sounding more and more appealing. I can stop piling up outgrown ExerSaucers
and bassinets in the garage. Travel, dinners out, concerts are all much more manageable with only one child. Our house is perfectly adequate for 1 child, two and we'd probably need to move. Our sleeping and eating schedules are finally starting to even out. And committing to one child would mean I could toss my copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility
, my binder full of fertility charts and Clomid prescriptions.People often tell me to relax, stop worrying, just see what happens. And as much as I say we'll play it by ear, the possibility that we'll have another child is always in the back of mind. I keep my eye on real estate listings, I apply to preschools with the expectation that I may have an infant to look after. I keep telling my husband that trip to India needs to be put off a few more years. Two children is written into our financial plan.
Still, I would like Baby M to have a sibling. I think he'd make a great big brother. I think that there is room in our family for one more. But at the same time, everyone has a limit. There is only so much heartache you can take. I know for some people their drive for a child, or a second child, is so strong that they will endure years of fertility treatments and failed pregnancies. I just don't think that kind of dedication is in my constitution. At some point, I will decide I am done. How will I decide? I just don't know.
3 comments:
I am in the exact same situation, and it's really an emotional roller coaster. And there's just about nothing worse than hearing someone say "Just relax and it will happen."
It sounds like you really want to have a 2nd child, & want your son to have a sibling. What if you went to your dr. and told him/her you want to take an aggressive approach to this?
Jennifer - A roller coaster is a perfect description and I'm sorry to hear you are having the same struggles. As far the getting pregnant side of things, my doctor is willing to be pretty aggressive as far as increasing doses of Clomid goes. On the m/c side we've already done just about every test there is and can't find any cause other than "bad luck." We could do IVF with PGD to ensure a good embryo, but it's so invasive and expensive,it's just not something I want to go through.
My heart broke for you when I read about your loss. I felt compelled to write that if there is any comfort in knowing that someone you don't know is saying a prayer for you and your family . . . that you will receive it. May God bring you peace, comfort and the desires of your heart.
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