Potty Training Pressure

For the past few months whenever anyone asked me about potty training I'd (truthfully) reply that my pediatrician said not to bother starting until Baby M was two and a half.   I cited recent research showing that the biggest predictor of success for potty training is when you start, optimally between 24 and 32 months.  But as more and more of Baby M's playmates made the switch to underwear I started feeling the pressure.  My in-laws gave me a DVD on potty training. Huggies started sending me coupons for Pull-Ups instead of diapers. I just kept repeating  my mantra-- "two and a half, two and a half."  But now Baby M is just days away from from the 30 month mark and the pressure is on.

The potty is not a new concept to Baby M.  We've had a little green Ikea potty in his bathroom for months.  We talk about the potty and what goes it in.  We've read all about how Elmo uses the potty.  But Baby M has no interest in using the potty himself.  When I notice that he is about to have a bowel movement I ask if he wants to sit on the potty and he says, "No, I'll just go in my diaper."  When we talk about how babies poop in diapers and big boys poop in the potty he is always sure to add, "but sometimes big boys pop in a diaper."  When I ask him if he wants to learn to use the potty he brushes me off saying, "Maybe in the summertime."

And to be honest, I am just as ambivalent about potty training as he is.  I don't relish the idea of being confined to the house so that we can sit on the potty every 30 minutes.  I don't want to carry a potty with me in addition to the snacks, toys and whatever else it is that I lug around in my ridiculously heavy diaper bag.  And then there is the extra laundry, upholstery and carpet cleaning that will undoubtedly result from the process.  Most importantly, I don't want to get into a battle of wills with Baby M.  I know I will lose.

So I think I may delay a little longer.  I've still got 2 more months before we hit the 32 month deadline, after which point he will be more likely to suffer ongoing urge incontinence issues.  And it is starting to get pretty warm outside, so maybe in a few weeks I can convince Baby M that it's the summertime.  Although the last time I asked him about learning to use the potty he said, "Maybe when I go to preschool in the fall."  Hmmm.... I can't imagine where he gets this tendency to procrastinate from.

Raising Freethinkers

I just finished reading Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief by Dale McGowan. I read Parenting Beyond Belief a few years ago; it's a series of reflections on non-religious parenting written from a variety of perspectives, everything from "spiritual but not religious" types to those in interfaith marriages to militant atheists. I enjoyed that book so when I heard there was a sequel out I decided to take a look.

Raising Freethinkers is more of a practical parenting guide and, despite having several authors, the perspective is relatively unified. The message is pretty middle of the road-- lots of calls for tolerance, the Unitarian church and letting kids make their own choices. The book's format makes for a quick read. For each major topic there is a 2-3 page introduction followed by a Q&A section and a list of related activities and resources. Topics range from how to build critical thinking skills to the value of religious literacy to sexuality. Most of the activities are geared towards older kids (ages 6 and above), so there weren't a lot of projects for me to do with Baby M right now. The resource lists, however, are exhaustive-- books, web sites, organizations with a secular bent for every conceivable topic. Looking for tips on planning a funeral for a goldfish? Got it . Alternative organizations to the Boy Scouts? Check. Toys that teach kids about evolution and natural selection? No problem. I checked the book out of the library, but I'm considering adding it to my parenting library for the resource lists alone.

I should note that so far it has not been very difficult being a non-religious parent. I live in Los Angeles, not Utah. There are plenty of non-religious activities and groups here to be a part of. I don't have any terribly religious relatives pushing traditions on me and my husband and I are more or less in sync when it comes to morals and ethics, celebrating holidays and the lack of religion in Baby M's life. That being said, there are things that religion does seem to make easier. I can see how it would be nice to have the shortcut answer "because God says so" to certain questions. Trying to explain why lying is wrong to a 2 year old can be difficult. And when Baby M asked why peacocks have big feathers it certainly would have been quicker to say "because God made them that way" instead of going into an explanation of mutation and natural selection. Raising Freethinkers does a good job of giving non-religious parents some ideas and techniques for discussing these sorts of complex ideas with children.

McGowan also points out that there are some things non-religious parents might want to take a cue from the devout on. Organized religion does a very good job of supporting the members of its community. It creates a space where everyone can work together to teach common values to their children. I can see the benefit of my child being around other adults who regularly talk about the importance our our family's values -- honesty, respect, responsibility, fairness and compassion (yes we do have them, just because we don't go to church doesn't mean we don't have values). Also, religions have built in traditions to mark and celebrate milestones. I may not want to throw Baby M a Bar Mitzvah, but it might be nice to acknowledge and celebrate his eventual transition to adulthood, noting both its benefits and responsibilities. Raising Freethinkers gives ideas and suggestions on how to incorporate community and ritual into a secular family.

The book gave me a lot to think about, most of which will probably just get filed away for later as I deal with the more pressing issues of potty training, nose picking and getting Baby M to eat something other than Kashi cereal. Seriously, he is addicted to Kashi cereal. Last night he was talking in his sleep, chanting "More Kashi cereal. More Kashi cereal." At least I know he's getting enough fiber.

Kid's Music, Train Music, Finger Dancing Music

About a year ago I visited a friend whose toddler was addicted to kid's music. Not good kid's music. Not a variety of kid's music. One CD of kid's music. The kind of kid's music that gives kid's music a bad name. There were no clever lyrics a la They Might Be Giants no catchy tunes from The Sippy Cups, no duets between Perry Farrell and Deborah Harry. There was one chirpy woman over enunciating "This Old Man" accompanied by a piano and, I'm not kidding, a recorder. You just knew this woman had buggy eyes, an extra wide grin and probably a "fun" hat. But for whatever reason the child loved this music. The CD had to be playing the moment the car started and it was the only music he allowed in the house. During the pauses between songs the boy would panic, apparently convinced he would never hear that cloyingly sweet voice again. I left the long weekend with "Trot Old Joe" on an endless loop in my head and a renewed commitment to avoid exposing Baby M to kids music.

To be honest, I never really understood the need for kids music. I grew up listening to my parents old Beatles albums and the Grease soundtrack. Why couldn't Baby M just listen to the music we enjoyed? He seemed to like it well enough. Then one day we were in the car and Nine Inch Nails came on the radio. "What's this song all about?" Baby M asked. "Animals", I said and left it at that. But Baby M did get several age appropriate CDs for Christmas (Jazz for Kids, Sesame Street Playground, and A World of Happiness).

Lately, however, Baby M has become more discerning in his musical tastes. He likes "Train Music" and "Boat Music" but not "People Music" or "Dancing Music" (although "Finger Dancing Music" is approved.) Unfortunately I have not been able to crack his classification system. For "Train Music" I tried songs about trains. I tried songs with train whistles in them. I tried songs with drum beats that sounded like the clickety-clack of train cars. I even tried a song by the band Train. None of those worked. Then yesterday we were driving in the car and Baby M cried out "This is Train Music!" Turns out "Love Cats" by the Cure is Train Music. Who knew?